Match-dot-Not

It's become part of my nightly routine. I click on craigslist's "Women Seeking Men" section and find the usual assortment of fatties, fakers and future prostitutes. (How far is it from wanting someone to "help me pay my bills" and an outright cash transaction?) When I find one that looks different:

I'll hate myself in the morning ater posting this. I am a very sexy attractive petite blonde sinngle mother. I am also a writer. Writers are notoriously wierd, and I am no exception. I need a man who will be decisive, manly, organized, financially set, and funny. If you can't make me laugh with your sarcastic sense of humor, delete this add and move on. You might be a single dad which would work best, since i have kids and you know what that's like. I'd love to meet a New Yorker. I am intelligent, very independent, spontaneous, and intense. I am funny, impatient, and thoughtful, good hearted and am not sure what will come of this, but who does?
Write to me.

OK, so someone who calls herself a writer who has such trouble spelling ordinary words stirs a bit of worry but considering the slim pickings I am inspired to reply.

If you're going to hate yourself in the morning for posting this, imagine how I'm gonna feel after replying to it.

"Delete this add," you wrote. Would that be a typo or the proverbial "addition by subtraction"? Tell you what: If we don't hit it off as a couple, you can hire me to proofread your next ad!

That, my dear scribe, was a test of your sarcasm detector and sense of humor. But I suspect you knew that or you would have deleted this response by now. I was greatly relieved to read that you seek a man who is manly because I'm as in touch with my feminine side as the next guy. Which is not very much.

By financially set, did you mean rich? Because if you did, I'm not going to add up. (Add? Oh, crap. I've stumbled onto a theme.) I have some money saved and will have some left even after I pay, in full, for the home I'm having built. I don't have kids and I'm not from New York. But if you'll settle for a childless Pennsylvanian with a cat who won't mind that your kids come first, we'll get along fine.

If we get to the point where we exchange real names (I know you now as pers-15723157," which, lovely as it is, takes too long to pronounce.), you'll be able to judge some of my video work and writing for yourself on my web site. There are even links to some of my original songs if you wish to punish your ears. (Sarcasm AND self-deprecation!)

The attached picture doesn't show off the results of my regular workouts. If you need proof, I'll send you the topless one (work safe, I promise) if you write back.

Take care!

~ Jack

Irresistable, right? Right! She writes back in a matter of hours. Our grammatically challenged author says, "Ok. You rival me.. I laughed OUT LOUD. I adored your photo. I would like to talk to you." She volunteers a first name and that the protagonist in her novel is named Jack. She does not, however, offer a picture of what she described as her sexy self. Says she doesn't have one to send yet she requests the topless photo of me promised in my initial reply. Sound fishy to you? Me too and I call her on it.

Hi Dawn:

Glad you liked my reply. Dawn is much easier to say than the name by which I knew you previously. It also clears up the meaning of your screen name. "Write2Dawn" could be a plea for correspondence or a description of your work habits.

You mean to tell me that in 2006 you do not have even one digital picture of yourself? You? A "very sexy attractive petite blonde" wouldn't have a single solitary photo to show off? Hmmmm. Lucky for you I'm a trusting soul. HA! But I do have a good imagination. And it's going to be tough for you to live up to this picture, lemme tell ya.

What kind of novel am I starring in? Why did you pick a male protagonist? Have you written any books before? Is this your paying job or something you're still working toward? How many children do you have? Is their father in the picture?

Lotta questions, I know. But you still have some work to do to earn the topless photos. Tell me a tale.

~ Jack

Now it starts to get a little weird. She writes:

Hey Jacko

You lied. You said I would have earned the topless had I responded to your letter.

Shame ono you.

I am going to use the digital camera today, take a photo and try to get it on the computer. One thing you must know about me; Idespise technology and all its components.

I think the iternet has caused an expedited breakdown in societal mores. We had enough to deal with before this generation chat bombarded our somewhat primitive lifestyle.

You can't have much good come out of internet. Unless of course youdo. So, what were your questions? The book, yes, well atually there is a female protagonist, with a male sidekick named Jack. Ijust thought that was so ironic.

I work at a few newspapers, magazines, the novel. I am a starving artist so to speak. I haven't hit the big time yet, but am well on my way. I know many famous and infamous people, but that doesn't mean much. Poeple are people. You have to weed the good ones from the nuts. You're not nuts Jack, right? What exactly is your job?
You have no kids right?

Jacko? Iternet? Is she drunk? Most of the questions she asks I had already answered. And most of the questions I ask, she ignores. I turn off the computer and go to bed. When I get to work the next morning, I get this in my in-box:

Hi Jack,

If you are intersted in talking, please let me know. I liked your letters, and I liked your photo. Is it because I have no photo? Working on that right now.

Is it because I have five boys? Can't send em back.

If you want to get to know me, let me know.

So Miss Sexy and Independent has turned psycho and clingy literally overnight? Holy crap! Can a guy get a nap in edgewise? Is what because she has no photo? And after twice ignoring queries about her kids she thinks I'm blowing her off because of them? This is starting to smell like coo coo for cocoa puffs, isn't it?

Easy now. Some of us have to work a day job. Since I promised and because you had probably earned the topless pic by saying I make you laugh out loud, see below.

Am I nuts? You mean besides the fact that I've just sent a half-naked picture of myself to a complete stranger? No more than anyone else I know. I'm a starving artist too. But during the day I work a regular job in marketing. With your love of the Internet, you'll appreciate this: my job is to work on my company's web sites.

I have no kids. That's what I meant by "childless Pennsylvanian" in my original reply ;-) I do have a cat, though. Or should I say, she has me. How else do you describe it when I pay all her expenses and do all her cleaning all so she can give me that "Don't touch me! I'm busy!" look when I try to pet her while she's looking out the window?

You answered the kids question. Five? Wow, that's a handful. (I make puns too.) Is their father active in their lives or are you going it alone? And, in your apparently rare ventures outdoors, what do you do for fun?

~ Jack

I sent it this morning. Haven't heard anything back. Not sure I want to. Five kids? I can date a women with children. I'm not sure I want one who has spawned her own basketball team. And if they're by more than one man, I don't care if she's Rebecca Romijn's twin sister, I'm not going anywhere near her.

But she gave me a good creative writing exercise if nothing else so the effort is not entirely wasted.