Idolize

I hear that American Idol has its first scandal of the season. One of the contestants might have some nude pictures in her past. A spokesman for the show says that producers thorougly screen the wannabes. Of course they do. They NEED controversy as much as they need Simon Cowell telling people how awful they are. So at least one person's past will rear up to haunt them during the course of the season by design. Write it in ink.

I don't watch the show. If I want to see a karaoke contest, there's a bar near me that sometimes draws people who sing just as well. Too bad they're obese or they might get invited onto the show to prove it. And here I don't just have to watch, I can get up on stage and sing then come back to my seat to resume my snarky commentary on others' efforts. Or their physiques if I have to resort to that. I know. I know. Fat is not a crime. Not a felony anyway.

So I have no idea who will win Idol and even less interest. The reason I mention it is the apparent source of this year's dust-up: Naked pictures. And my question about it: Why? What's the crisis? Why should someone be disqualified from a televised karaoke contest because she once posed topless? Can we de-stigmatize that?

WTF?

What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, besides my back, which tolerated some weightlifting this morning. I wasn't comfortable but I wasn't screaming, either, so I'm going to call it a success.

Anyway. I need to get out more. The closest thing I've had to a social life lately is replying to craigslist ads. Wanna feel like a loser? Scan through what's available on your local craigslist personals.

I actually replied to one titled "Cute, Cuddley, and (not so) Innocent (seaking LTR FWB) - 32" that read, in part:

Date: 2007-02-23, 6:24PM EST
32, openly married, sweeet n petite female full of sass and just enough class seaking outgoing, somewhat cocky, yet very charming counterpart for friendship, fun, and excitement... I am 5'3 `107 auburn, and love singing, dancing, fishing, football, theatre, fine dining,clubbing on occasion, and partying in moderation.. I drink, i smoke, I SMOKE!! I recently split up with my steady side ride and have re-entered the married yet dating world.

I included a picture of me swinging a golf club. And Lexi wrote back, "Well hello there Jack... lets start wityh that swing... first off your putter is a lil short..." She went on to recommend that I visit her myspace page, titled apparently very appropriately "sassylilbittch."

I replied:

I dunno. No girl has ever complained about the length of my putter before. They seem to like its shaft -- strong as steel not bendy like fiberglass. And it always gets me to the hole.

I'll check out your myspace when I'm not occupied by this necessary evil called work. I'm gonna guess there's a chance that your site is not work safe. There's a chance that you're not safe, either, but so far that's the attraction.

Her myspace page says she has more than 1300 friends yet she's advertising for an extramarrital lover on craigslist? And her husband is cool with that? What's wrong with him?

I replied to another ad and the girl wrote me back asking how old I was. Twice. I replied (honestly, even) the first time in plainly legible numerals and she couldn't grasp the concept? Anyone with this much attention deficit disorder is not going to last with me. Oh, and when I replied to her ad (with pictures) I asked for pics in return if she wrote me. She didn't. Either time.

I need more hobbies. I have the freelance work I do which keeps me busy in spurts but I need something recreational that puts me in contact with fun, creative, smart and engaging people. My job is no help. I work in an office with five other people and, while I enjoy their company well enough at work, they're not people with whom I share a lot of interests. I like that about them because I get to hear about things I wouldn't normally hear about (like comics and messianic Judaism). But not what I want to surround myself all the time.

I don't think sassylilbittch is, either. Gotta go find what is.

Ouch

Now I know what old feels like. Yeah, that crunching sound I heard while doing squats last Thursday was something in my upper spine. Now I have to think before I move anything. And sometimes even before I don't move something. I was lying in front of the TV watching a movie the other night when the cat settled on my chest for a nap, as she often does when I watch TV. Only this time it felt like my back had caught fire. Because of a seven pound cat!

Poor thing probably thought it was something she did when I started moaning.

Interestingly, if I do something with my left arm that my back doesn't like, pain shoots down my left arm. If I do something awkward with my right arm, pain shoots down my LEFT arm. Weird. Plus now when I move I crackle like a bowl of Rice Crispies.

My mother suggested taking a hot bath. Which seemed like sound advice until it was time to get out of the tub. On the whole I did more harm than good.

At least I can sleep. And, usually, if I stay still, I don't feel too uncomfortable. I should feel grateful but I feel depressed instead. I went to the gym today but there wasn't much I could do with the weights. And I hate cardio. It takes too long, just doing the same thing on and on. I did a measly 12 minutes on the bike and did what little weights I could. Then I got on the elipsis machine but my spirit had been sapped by then. I quit after just a few minutes.

So this is what old feels like. It doesn't suit me.

Broken Flowers

I borrowed Broken Flowers from the library. It stars the always good Bill Murray and has an R rating in part because of "graphic nudity." Never heard of that. Maybe it's like graphic violence except with nipples showing.

Not Bill Murray's, I hoped.

It stunk. Murray's character Don Johnston gets a letter from a former lover telling him that a 19-year-old son he never knew about is looking for him. The letter is unsigned, the postmark conveniently too faded to read. Don doesn't care to know any more but his detective novelist neighbor is fascinated. He tracks down the addresses of the four possible mothers and cajoles Don into visiting each to discover which one bore his child. With lots of awkward pauses and montages of driving down ordinary streets that inflate a 40-minute story into a nearly two-hour movie, Don sleeps with one ex, gets beat up by the boyfriend of another and eventually comes home with a few clues but no answers. The end. No resolution. All that for nothing.

At least we do not see Bill Murray naked. A young actress named Alexis Dziena provides the "graphic nudity," which appears to mean "five seconds of full frontal." I scanned back and watched again just to be sure. Maybe twice. Even that didn't make the rest of the film worthwhile.

Film critic Richard Roeper named the moment one of the five "most startling nude scenes of the year" for 2005. Here's the list, cribbed from this article:

5. Alexis Dziena's Lolita enters a room fully nude while talking on the telephone in "Broken Flowers." If they gave an Oscar for Best Deadpan Reaction Shot, Bill Murray would be the hands-down winner for the look on his face when Dziena walks in.

4. Claire Danes in "Shopgirl." It's not so much that she's naked, but that she's naked for the benefit of Steve Martin.

3. Anne Hathaway in "Brokeback Mountain." Much to the delight of Internet fanboys the world over, the fresh-faced innocent from "The Princess Diaries" movies went topless in a makeout scene with Jake Gyllenhaal.

2. Anne Hathaway in "Havoc." She has three nude scenes in this straight-to-video release.

1. Bob Hoskins in "Mrs. Henderson Presents." The British fireplug did the Full Monty, much to the delight of Internet fanboys --well, not really.

The Murray reaction shot would be particularly noteworthy since it's highly probable that he was not in the same room when Dziena's birthday suit scene was shot. His reaction would have been shot at another time and edited in later.